Accepting The Surprise Of Being Told: “I’m Not Happy”
Grieving Starts With Denial
We all have experienced loss many times in our lives, whether it was losing a favorite toy as a toddler, saying goodbye to a childhood friend who moved away, parting from our first puppy love, getting fired from a job, burying a pet, a decline in health, separating from a spouse or withstanding the passing of a sibling, child or other family members. Loss is unavoidable, and how we react to it cannot be predicted.
Our body has a natural defense mechanism that protects us from severe emotional and physical pain. To cushion the heart, mind, and body from trauma, our initial response may be delayed or blocked until we are in a state to receive the change.
My Experience With Denial
We met, fell in love, and decided to commit. We exchanged our most intimate thoughts and became comfortable with each other. Our connection was deep, and it felt like we were meant to be together forever. With my hand in hers, we moved into a cozy rancher and settled down into many seasons of good times and tears. Life was good!
Years later, we began to argue more often and went through a series of breakups and make-ups. We spent a lot of time apart during the breakups to see who would give in and apologize first. She always did (I admit, I may have overused the threat of leaving the relationship to manipulate her into doing what I wanted). Her being vulnerable and telling me how much she wanted to be with me, made me feel like she truly loved me.
Directly after our make-ups, we got along great and were loving and gentle toward each other. In a short time, the same problems resurfaced that led to the next break-up. This is how we loved each other during our time together. And then ‘bam,’ one day after a routine argument she said to me, “I am not happy.”
That was the last time that we broke up! She didn’t try to make up with me or come back to our relationship. Instead, a couple of weeks later, she started a new life with someone else! She gave up on us?! But…she always loved, needed, and chased me! I couldn’t believe that she was done loving me…
Stage 1: Denial
After the break-up you may experience any of the following:
- An initial reaction of shock, surprise, or disbelief
- Numbness or no immediate feelings.
- Intense or escalated emotions, like a racing heart, decreased appetite, vomiting, or difficulty sleeping.
- The effects may vary based on your past experiences of loss.
- You may remain in this stage for a short period or weeks.
A broken heart is renowned for its power to humble and connect man with his Creator. The healing practices listed below will be the foundation to rebuild your heart and learn to love yourself as much as you are willing to love someone else.
Heal’n Practices (Ways to Develop Your Inner Being)
1. Prayer
There will come a time in your life when you will be unable to bounce back or escape life’s struggles and will need to rely on divine help to get through. Some things you just can’t do alone. When you find yourself stuck or unable to move forward, it is a sure sign that you are going through this sorrow for a reason. Make it a habit to talk with your Lord & Savior to receive guidance and reassurance that everything will turn out for your ‘good.’
Example prayer: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10
2. Meditation
It can help calm and clear your mind of the recurring sad thoughts that keep repeating, causing you to re-live the ache of your broken heart. It will also enable you to hear your inner voice of reason, which will point you in the right direction and escort you down your path.
3. Journaling
Writing is a great way to get what is inside — out! Your journal will be a great listener. It won’t interrupt you while you are writing, or give you unsympathetic advice, like, “Just get over it!” And it will keep your most intimate thoughts a secret. The pages are your friend and can be revisited to see the progress you have made on your healing journey.
Remember For Your Heal’n
Losing someone that you care deeply for can bring about a great deal of pain. Trying to process the new change and keep your sanity can also be challenging. As you undergo healing your heartache, go within to identify how you broke your own heart through your choices and behaviors. We all respond to loss in different ways and heal with no specific timeline. Be patient and nurture yourself as you begin the stages of transformation.
