How Do You Embrace Lost Love
Making Direct Amends
Life has a way of disrupting our intentions and plans. It takes a resilient person to overcome the hurdles and struggles that arise without warning. Some of us have an inner strength to keep going, while some need help to maintain.
We all want to live our version of happiness and will do whatever we can to simply ‘feel good.’ Sometimes to fulfill our yearnings we recklessly hurt the ones we love — leaving a trail of pain and regret.
When the dust settles, what is a reasonable way to reach out and try to repair a broken relationship with someone that you have harmed?
My Battle With Making Direct Amends
Sadly, I have hurt a few people in my past. I am very embarrassed about my behavior and the only explanation I have for my actions is that I was thinking more about my feelings than theirs.
I was aware that I didn’t handle any of my break ups maturely, so, when my heart got broken, all I could think about was letting all of my exes know karma had finally caught up with me. For some reason I thought sharing my hardship with them would bring them some satisfaction and a lil’ amusement.
Heal’n My Past With Direct Amends
Facing the person that you have hurt without knowing their reaction takes a lot of courage. Because each of my exes were unique and the reasons we broke up were different, there was no generic apology for them all. I prepared my amends to be personal and honest. I thought it would be a good idea to give them the opportunity to ask me questions about our past partnership and my new troubles. I also prepared myself to hear how happy they were without me!
Before making contact with any of them, I used this guide for each girlfriend to help me present my true feelings. Below is an example of how I approached my last partner.
Name: Girlfriend #5
Memory of the harm I caused her: We were together for six years. There were a lot of things that happened. The most disturbing were the times, out of jealousy, I said mean things to purposely hurt her feelings and when I physically abused her.
Thoughts of harm I caused her: Before becoming an abuser, I heard stories about others who were offenders and I thought they were horrible people that did not deserve love. And I used to think that it was unnecessary to be with someone that you are unhappy with…just move on (respectfully).
Feelings about the harm I caused her: As an abuser, I believe that my actions were unacceptable and I was not worthy of her love. I feel extremely guilty and ashamed of my conduct.
Future intentions to prevent harming another: To make better choices in the future, I first had to find out what angered me to the point that I wanted to hurt someone else. I did my own personal therapy and looked for patterns in my behavior. I noticed that my anger developed when I failed at controlling my ex and when I felt neglected by her.
I vowed to communicate better with all my future partners and let them know that I am a rehabilitated abuser. We will discuss my triggers and how to respect one another’s space when I am extremely emotional. Now in hindsight, I also have to be conscious of my actions when things don’t go my way in a relationship and learn to compromise and be respectful.
Amends I made for the harm I caused: I called girlfriend #5 and asked her to come to my house. She did. I didn’t get into the apologies right away. To ease some of the tension, I brought up some old times, good times and hopeful future times. Then I revisited some really tough situations between us and asked for forgiveness of all my wrongdoings and mistreatment towards her.
Luckily she was merciful and accepted my apologies. At the end of our, ‘get together,’ we hugged at my front door for about 15 minutes, she left and we haven’t spoken since.
Step #9: Make direct amends with those possible without injure to them or harm to others.
Remember For Your Heal’n
Having good sincere intentions and actually following through with them when making amends is critical to reconnecting with your friends and loved ones.
Evaluate the timing and your level of commitment to your healing process before attempting to apologize prematurely. Use the above guide to help organize your thoughts and express your feelings more clearly.
Occasionally things work out as planned, but also keep in mind your attempt to patch emotional gaps may lead to rejection. Just because you are ready doesn’t mean the other person is. If they are not, leave them with an open invite to contact you if they change their mind.
Let’s Talk & Heal Together …
Deeply think about those you have caused pain. Are you ready to salvage lost love? Leave your comment below.